Stress in Pregnancy Boosts Stillbirth Risk

Stress in Pregnancy Boosts Stillbirth Risk - Physical and mental stress on a pregnant woman may increase the risk of stillbirth, a new study suggests.

The study involved more than 2,000 U.S. women who were surveyed 24 hours after a delivery or after a stillbirth. (About 600 women who'd experienced a stillbirth were recruited to take part in the study, along with about twice as many women who had delivered.)

In the study, women who said they had experienced five or more stressful life events in the past year, such as losing a loved one or their job, were 2.5 times more likely to have a stillbirth compared with women who experienced no stressful life events in the past year.

The finding "reinforces the need for health care providers to ask expectant mothers about what is going on in their lives, monitor stressful life events and to offer support as part of prenatal care," said study researcher Marian Willinger, of the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD), which funded the study.

However, stressful life events were common, and most women who were stressed did not have a stillbirth.

Among women who carried their baby to delivery, 75 percent (1,015 women) experienced a stressful life event in the past year, compared to 83 percent of women who had a stillbirth (503 women), the researchers said. About one in ten women who delivered, and one in five women who had a stillbirth, experienced five or more stressful events.

A stillbirth is defined as the death of a fetus after 20 or more weeks of pregnancy. For every stillbirth in 2006, there were 167 live births, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Women were especially at high risk of stillbirth if they were in a physical fight in the past year, or if they had a partner go to jail.

"This is a first step toward cataloguing the effects of stress on the likelihood of stillbirth and, more generally, toward documenting how pregnancy influences a woman’s mental health and how pregnancy is influenced by a woman’s mental health," said study researcher Uma Reddy, also of NICHD

The study is published in the American Journal of Epidemiology.

Previous studies have linked stress in pregnancy to an increased risk of preterm birth, or to having a baby with a low birth weight. ( LiveScience.com )

READ MORE - Stress in Pregnancy Boosts Stillbirth Risk

Talking About Depression

Talking About Depression - Learn about appropriate ways to discuss depression, including words and phrases you shouldn't use, like "snap out of it."

Communication is important in the best of times. When major depression factors into life, conversation has a vital role in the recovery process. A significant part of the journey back to health is depending on, and trusting, key people in your life. If you suspect or have been diagnosed with major depression, confide in your partner or spouse. While feelings of exhaustion and hopelessness are part of the illness, these symptoms are not an excuse to avoid sharing your circumstance. Understand, too, that even with your most trusted loved one, beginning the conversation may be difficult. To help you get started, consider these words:

• First, let your partner know this conversation is important to you. Choose a quiet time to talk, when you won't be interrupted. "I need to talk, and I need your full attention."
• Be honest. It is perfectly acceptable to say: "I need your help," or "I am frightened," or "I don't know what to do."
• If you are in a crisis, express this sense of urgency to your partner. Use the word, "Now," carefully and when it is truly necessary.

Not allowed:

• Don't minimize your feelings. "It's not a big deal," is neither realistic nor honest. Not only are your feelings important, but also major depression should not be downplayed. Do not try to spare your partner the serious nature of this condition.
• Apologies are not appropriate. "I'm sorry," would indicate you have a choice about your depression and research confirms this is not true.

Good Listeners, Appropriate Words

If a partner, family member, or friend comes to you and speaks of their depression, the proper response can make a world of difference in their trust. Remember, it's not your job to try and solve their problems or offer a cure. Instead, understanding and compassion are key. When you are taken into confidence, think about these words:

• Offer support without giving advice. "I'm sorry you are going through this. What can I do to help?" "I can't really understand how you are feeling, but I am here for you, whenever you need me."
• Be patient. Know that once treatment beings, it may be four to six weeks before any measurable improvement is evident. Let your friend or family member know you are there to encourage, offer simple diversions, and listen. "I know right now things are difficult, but this will pass, and we will get through it together."
• Listen for signs of crisis. If you hear comments about suicide, or "wanting this all to be over," report them to your partner/friend's doctor or therapist, and clue in all caregivers.

Not allowed:

• Do not utter the words, "Shrug it off," or "Cheer up."
• Resist the urge to push too hard. "Stop moping around. Get over it and stop feeling sorry for yourself," is not an option for the depressed person.

In The Workplace

If you are employed, dealing with major depression and work can be a challenge. Enlist your doctor or therapist's help to determine what modifications you may need to make in schedule and workload to aid the recovery process. When you speak to your employer, be clear and concise in explaining the situation.

• "I have a medical condition, and I am on the road back to health. I would like to discuss a few temporary changes to help me out along the way."

As an employer, if you notice an employee struggling with major depression, suggest your Employee Assistance Program if applicable. In addition, make all points clear and concise so there is no misunderstanding about expectations. An appropriate conversation might be positioned as:

• "I understand you are struggling right now. I will do everything within my power to help you do your job. Please let me know how much information I need to assist you in this process." ( healthline.com )

READ MORE - Talking About Depression

Effects of physical discipline linger for adults

Effects of physical discipline linger for adults -- Tara grew up thinking that spankings or a smack on the arm were normal punishments for breaking a plate or playing her music too loudly. She never knew what would set her father off, and her mother never intervened, so she did her best to avoid him, walking on eggshells whenever he was around.

"It wasn't until I grew older and was out from under my parents' roof that I learned it wasn't the norm," said Tara, a 34-year-old public relations consultant in Phoenix. She asked that her last name not be used because she no longer talks to her father and fears drawing his attention.

"I think my father truly didn't care enough to 'teach' me how to be, but instead would try to knock undesirable behaviors out of me."

As she watched the YouTube video last week of a Texas judge beating his daughter, Tara's mind wandered to an afternoon in her senior year of high school more than a decade ago, when her father's idea of discipline turned into violence.

He burst into her room, yelling and swearing. Another teacher at Tara's East Tennessee high school, where her father worked, had told him that students were saying that she had kissed a black boy. He cursed at his daughter as he slapped and punched her all over, his clunky school ring pounding her skin like a brass knuckle.

"Seeing that girl made me think, wow, that's what I lived through," Tara said. "I saw so much of myself in it, it made me shudder to think back on it."

Among psychologists, Tara's flashback is considered a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder from years of physical and emotional abuse, and it's just one of many potential lasting effects when discipline crosses the line into abuse.

Parents have long been using spankings, swattings or whippings to "correct" a child's behavior. But as social norms evolve and more research surfaces in support of alternatives, the line between "corporal punishment" and child abuse is becoming increasingly blurry.

The controversy came to the fore last week, when the YouTube video of the judge repeatedly hitting his teen daughter went viral. The video is a stark depiction of a wailing girl in a dark room begging her father to stop whipping her with a belt, and it prompted widespread outrage.

The daughter, now 23, said she posted the video to make a point to her father, who she felt was in denial about the way he treated her years ago. William Adams, a court-at-law judge in Aransas County, Texas, faces a judicial conduct investigation because of the incident. He will not face criminal charges because the statute of limitations on a charge of felony injury to a child has expired.

Spankings under the guise of discipline are still commonplace in the United States. A fair share of reaction to the YouTube video contained the sentiment that physical discipline reinforces the notion of consequences for actions.

"Parents waste a lot of words on kids. Kids want what they want. A lot of times, a good spank to the bottom communicates the words that you have to communicate," said Chad Smith, a personal trainer from Hagerstown, Maryland, whose mother took a belt to him whenever he got out of line.

"That being said, there's a difference between discipline and abuse. People tend to think of abuse when they think of manual correction, but there's a line there. With that video, what got to me was her age, and the fact it went on for so long."

For Tara, who endured prolonged or severe instances of violence under the guise of discipline, the video took her breath away. It also forced her to reflect upon how her experiences with "physical correction" had altered the course of her life.

"I suffer from anxiety and never really feel 'safe.' I worry a lot about the most trivial things, and I truly believe this is a result of me never feeling safe in my own home," she said. "Luckily, I have a good therapist and an amazing husband who doesn't have the same baggage as me."

She is lucky, because she, and many like her, might seek the familiarity of an emotionally volatile relationship or subject their own children to similar treatment.

She grappled with the prospect of having children, fearing that she might treat them the same way her father treated her.

"I can't say I never gave them a pop on the bottom in the beginning, but never to the same extent as my dad," she said. "Counseling has helped me understand that when I get mad with them, it's up to me to stop and really think and put things in perspective. Most of the time, it's based on things going on in my world that stress me out."

Just as crucial to seeking treatment was learning to forgive her parents -- still a work in progress, she said. It's not about excusing or absolving them of what they did, but understanding what motivated the behavior and empathizing.

"He was beaten as a child as well, and I am sure this kind of behavior with his own children was a learned behavior, but through education and understanding, I just can't imagine that an adult couldn't make better decisions to change and make the lives of their own children better by doing the hard work to improve their own parenting shortcomings. "

Numerous studies have been conducted in recent years to support the theory that physical forms of discipline do more harm than good, said George Holden, a professor of psychology at Southern Methodist University, who has published five books on parenting and child development.

"The line between discipline and abuse is a gray area, and it's also sort of fluid because a parent might begin with using what they consider appropriate or reasonable discipline. But in the course of seconds, it can easily escalate based on a child's reaction or a parent's rage," he said. "It's easy to inadvertently cross the line, wherever it is."

Hurting your child can also harm the parent-child relationship by infusing it with pain and negative emotions, he said. Children who are spanked are also more likely to be aggressive toward others because they don't know any other way to behave.

When physical force is combined with derogatory or emotionally abusive comments, like the ones in the YouTube video, the damage can be even greater, said psychologist Gregory Jantz, author of "When Your Teenager Becomes the Stranger in Your House."

"You're degrading their personhood, attacking them as a person, their character, their worth and value," he said. "Combine that with the anger and the hitting, that's what we call violence, and that's about power and control: one person, through physical force, exerting power and control over the other."

Studies have also found an elevated risk of heart disease related to childhood trauma, said psychologist Melanie Greenberg, who studies the effects of stress and trauma on the mind and body.

"There is evidence that child abuse changes brain function in areas related to processing threat. Chronic stress can lead to imbalance of the autonomic nervous system," she said, referencing the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study, a collaboration between the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser Permanente.

Such an imbalance can distort one's fight-or-flight perception, causing a tendency to overreact or magnify perceived threats, she said.

Denise Parker knows it firsthand. She recalls the time she bought a bottle of wine with a pretty label for a former boyfriend that turned out to taste awful. She was immediately paralyzed with fear, expecting that he might yell at her or break up with her.

Years of counseling helped her realize that it was her father's voice in her head, telling her that she was stupid and not good enough, just like he had when she was younger.

"He thought it was discipline. It could be that we did something wrong, we spilled something or broke a dish, but to me, the punishment never matched what happened," she said. "I think all the anger he had inside would come out in those moments. Anything could be under his guise of needing to punish us for something."

Other patterns have been harder to break, she said. Her husband, who was beaten as a child, was verbally abusive until a few years ago, when she started to go to counseling and learned to assert herself.

"I was attracted to the unfinished business with my dad, the level of comfort with someone who also had so many issues, because I knew how to manage them," she said. "I believed if he loved me enough, he would go to counseling and be willing to change.

He never did, though, she said. She and her husband have a daughter and a decent life, but she doesn't see it lasting forever, she said.

"His behavior is nothing like my dad's, there's no abuse and he doesn't hit her, but he doesn't give her enough attention," she said. "I try to manage that relationship best way I can by creating a life for her that's very different from the childhood I had."

Keeping anger out of the situation is the key to effectively disciplining a child, said clinical psychologist Marla Deibler, who performs court-ordered evaluations for children and families in New Jersey's family court system.

"You punish kids because you don't want them to do it again, but physical force doesn't show them what to do instead, and it doesn't educate them on a better way to cope or problem solve," she said. "It's crucial that they understand why they're being punished and that the punishment is reinforced with positive emotions."

Jonathan Holliday agrees that it's all in the approach. He credits his childhood whippings with teaching him the difference between right and wrong and instilling in him respect for his parents.

"After I'd get a spanking, I would think the next time before I did something," the 21-year-old University of Arkansas student said.

His mother disciplined her son and daughter, he said. She always explained to them what they had done to prompt her use of the belt, he said. When the whippings were over, she would leave the room for a bit and return to give them a hug and reiterate the lesson she wanted them to learn, he said.

"The main thing is she never whooped us without reason and she always backed it up with love," he said. "I could tell she hated doing it, but she never did it out of anger. She did it out of love and the fact she was worried about our actions. She didn't do it because she was angry, and she never cursed and she always had an explanation for it." ( cnn.com )

READ MORE - Effects of physical discipline linger for adults

Could you marry a man you didn't love? These five women did - for VERY different reasons. So how have their relationships fared since?

Could you marry a man you didn't love? These five women did - for VERY different reasons. So how have their relationships fared since?

I wanted to please my parents

Diane Pulford, 52, from Peterborough, runs her own jewellery business. She has one son, Michael, 29, and is single. She says:

My wedding day in June 1977 was gloriously warm and sunny and I remember thinking that being cooped up in a church and hotel was a massive waste.

I even said to my mother, Florence: ‘I hope you’re happy, I can think of better things to do with my time.'

Under pressure: Diane Pulford married Tom in 1977

'Carol, my older sister who’d made my wedding dress, was horrified and told me not to be so selfish and to think of all the people who’d gone to so much trouble to make the day perfect.

'I was 19 years old at the time — in hindsight, far too young to marry — and my fiancé, Tony, was 21.

'He was a lovely, polite and kind young man, but he didn’t make my heart flutter. I liked him enormously, but I didn’t love him.

'My father, Bill, was an old-fashioned, working-class man. He’d tease me about having my head in the clouds and his mantra was: ‘Love doesn’t pay the bills.’

'I met Tony when I was a filing clerk at the firm he worked for. He was well spoken, middle-class and had an engineering degree. In other words, he was the ‘man with prospects’ my mother was forever talking about.

'Mum was always on my case, telling me I’d be a fool to let him go and how I’d be set up for life if we married.

'My previous boyfriend, who I’d been crazy about, had hurt me badly by cheating on me with my best friend.

'Tony never let me down and, after months of nagging, I began to think that my parents were right and I should take him off the market.

'So, after just four months of dating, we were engaged. Nine months later we married in front of 100 people.

'On the day I felt like a fraud. Tony talked excitedly about our future plans, while I felt flat and numb.

'We moved into a lovely three-bedroom house and I busied myself with the decorating, cooking and trying to be a good wife.

'But I knew I’d made a terrible mistake. I felt lonely and unhappy and would deliberately provoke rows so I could justify storming off to stay at my parents’ house.

'After 18 months, Tony came home from work and said: ‘This isn’t working, is it?’ I moved out that night and we divorced three years later.

'I don’t blame my parents, they just wanted the best for me. I was the one who thought dependability and financial security could make up for love.

'I spent the next 20 years with Mark, the father of my son, but we never married. I’m single now and happy to stay so.'

I married a man I'd just met

Lisa Mahon, 31, is an accounts manger. She lives in Witham, Essex, with her husband Edward, 40, a sales executive, with their daughter Georgia, three, and her son Dion, five, from a previous relationship. The couple have been married for four years. She says:

'I married Edward less than a week after meeting him. My friends were shocked because they never thought of me as a reckless person.

'It all began in the spring of 2007 when I had split from Dion’s father. Feeling lonely one evening I was surfing the internet and stumbled across Edward’s blog. It included extracts of his poetry, which I found wonderfully romantic and moving.

Cyber dating: Lisa Mahon married Edward within six days of meeting him following getting to know each other over the internet

'I saw that he was in Atlanta, U.S., but I still sent him a message complimenting his writing. He replied and we struck up some email banter. We then began talking daily on the phone and realised there was some real chemistry.

'After four months, Edward asked me to fly to Atlanta to marry him. Most of my friends and family were horrified but sometimes in life you have to go with your gut instinct.

'In November 2007, I travelled to Atlanta and knew instantly that we were going to have an amazing life. I didn’t love him then — because I think that takes time — but I knew it would come.

'Six days after I arrived we married at a local register office with no guests. The rashness only made it all the more exciting.

'Everyone back home was highly suspicious, accusing Edward of being everything from a crook to a visa hunter. But the fact was that he was financially secure and desperate for me to live in the U.S., but I didn’t want to move Dion away from his grandparents.

'Five months after our wedding, Edward was able to move to the UK after securing a work visa. He got a well-paid job straight away and our daughter, Georgia, arrived in April 2009. Quite simply, he’s the best husband and father I could wish for.

'I know they say ‘marry in haste, repent at leisure’ but that won’t be the case with us.

'The people who were so judgmental have now been forced to admit that we make a fantastic couple.'

He was desperately ill and I felt sorry for him

Patricia Beaumont, 35, and husband Jason, 39, live with their two children, Joseph, 14, and Joshua, 11, in Ipswich, Suffolk. Patricia is a housewife, while Jason runs a decorating company. They have been married for 14 years. She says:

'I was six months pregnant when I walked down the aisle in the summer of 1997 in a dress that had been altered to hide my growing bump.

'At that moment, I felt only anger and resentment at being cajoled into a wedding I didn’t want and a baby I hadn’t planned for — all because of my fiance’s serious and unexpected illness.

'I was 19 when I met Jason in a nightclub. He was good looking and fun, but marriage and babies were not even on my mind.

Baby love? Patricia was 19 and pregnant when she married cancer-stricken Joseph

'We’d been dating ten months when he was diagnosed with multiple myeloma — a very rare cancer that affects the spine and back.

'He underwent radiotherapy to shrink the tumours and doctors told him the treatment could leave him infertile. Neither of us knew that I was in the early stages of pregnancy.

'The thought of a childless future nursing a sick man terrified me and, as heartless as it sounds, I told Jason I wanted to end it.

'Shortly afterwards, I began to feel unwell. When a friend suggested I take a pregnancy test, I agreed just to remove the possibility.

'Sure enough it came back positive.

'I fled to Greece to try to clear my head but Jason called me pleading for us to marry and raise our child together.

'At that stage, he was still seriously ill and I had visions of being a widowed single mother. I felt in absolute despair.

'When I returned to the UK, Jason and his mother had booked the church!

'I’d have been the cruellest woman in the world to cancel the wedding and not continue with the pregnancy when it would make Jason so happy.

'The first year of our marriage was hellish — Jason just wanted us to be a family whereas I felt that marriage and motherhood had been forced upon me.

'Unbelievably, his treatment did not render him infertile and our second son Joshua arrived three years after Joseph.

'We were approaching our fourth anniversary when Jason’s cancer returned with a vengeance. His underwent a bone marrow transplant but his prognosis was grim.

'Suddenly, the thought of losing this wonderful, caring husband and father was unbearable.

'I realised then — for the first time — how deeply I loved him.

'I stayed by his bed for six weeks telling him over and over that I loved him — trying to make up for all the times I’d never said it before.

'He pulled through and has been cancer free for the past nine years.

'Despite our shaky start, I now adore him and believe we will be together for ever.'

My family chose my husband

Anita Singh, 42, a business advisor, has been married to civil engineer Amarjit Singh, 39, for 11 years. They don’t have any children and live in Dewsbury, West Yorkshire. She says:

'Amarjit and I had only met twice before we married in April 2000. Our match was arranged for us by friends and family. I never questioned it and trusted that the people who knew us and loved us would get it right.

Slow burn: Anita and Amarjit married less than a week after meeting after being set up by their families

'Of course, we didn’t love each other at the time but I’d no doubt we could make it work.

'My parents came to Britain from India in the Sixties to run a Post Office and I was born here, along with my three younger siblings. Although my parents had a successful arranged marriage, they never forced us into one.

'I went to university and had a very British childhood and adolescence, with lots of fun and freedom — but I was always knew my parents would like me to marry an Indian man.

'By the time I reached the age of 31, and was still single, they started dropping not very subtle hints about me leaving it a bit late.

'Mum’s relatives back in India were horrified that I was still unmarried in my 30s and took it upon themselves to set me up.

'There is nothing an Indian auntie likes better than a spot of match-making.

'At the time I thought: ‘Why not?’

'I didn’t have to go through with it and men weren’t exactly falling over themselves to date me. My mum was 19 when she married my dad and their union is unbelievably deep, genuine and strong. On a holiday to India I was introduced to Amarjit. He came from a good, modern-thinking family. He was educated, polite and very handsome but, even so, after our first meeting I wasn’t blown away.

'My family kept telling me what a wonderful husband he’d make and how our zodiac charts showed the best match they had ever seen.

'So, two week’s later, we announced our engagement. My mother is never wrong about anything and I trusted her to get this right too

'After an amazing traditional wedding in India, we came back to the UK. My British friends were shocked. And I won’t deny the first three years were very testing — we were, after all, both living with strangers.

'But slowly, day by day, as I got to know Amarjit’s kindness and humour, love grew.

'Now he is not only my best friend, he is my one and only true love.'

I yearned for a baby

Andrea Pierce, 44, is an office administrator. She has one son, Tom, 11, and lives in Windsor, Berks. She says:

'Justin and I had been dating for four years when he proposed. We were walking in a beautiful field when he suddenly dropped to one knee and offered me a sapphire and diamond engagement ring.

'It should have been the most romantic moment of my life but all I could think was: ‘I wouldn’t have chosen that ring.’

Regrets: Andrea Pierce had been dating Justin for four years before he proposed

'I was approaching 30 and my biological clock was ticking loudly. All my friends had married and had kids and I was feeling left on the shelf.

'Justin was nice looking, mature and had a good, well-paid job in the property business.

'I didn’t love him but I, foolishly, thought he offered my last hope of becoming a mother.

'So I agreed to marry him and six months later, in July 1995, and in front of 70 guests, I vowed to become his wife.

'We moved into a fantastic four-bedroom detached house in the country and, aged 33, I eventually gave birth to my beautiful son, Tom.

'Even though I had yearned for a child, I did not adapt to the role of mum very easily. I struggled to cope and became very unhappy.

'Justin was a good man and provider, but the feeling of love I hoped would come never did.

'Six years after we married I went to the Henley Regatta and got chatting to a man who made my stomach lurch in a way my husband never did. I knew then I could not stay with Justin. Two weeks later, he moved out.

'Needless to say, the relationship with the man from Henley petered out. I feel guilty for the way I’ve treated Justin and regret throwing it all away for a meaningless fling — but I only have myself to blame.' ( dailymail.co.uk )

READ MORE - Could you marry a man you didn't love? These five women did - for VERY different reasons. So how have their relationships fared since?

Celebrate, embrace the 'new you'

Celebrate, embrace the 'new you' - Are you always worried about aging? If so, do not obsess over it and make positive moves instead. Rather than thinking of ourselves growing older, we should think of “growing newer” like a plant that grows new roots, new branches, new leaves, and new flowers, as Rev. Fr. William S. Chiganos of Westchester, Illinois reminded in one of his sermons. What does that mean? How to proceed? Well, start afresh, reinvent yourself! I will help you through the renewal process with the following guidelines.

• Forget the numbers of your years that depress you and stop your personal growth
• Examine your lifestyle behaviors closely
• Review your daily diet, eat nutrient-dense food, and keep your weight down
• Keep active, exercise, and walk up the stairs
• Keep regular sleeping hours
• Interact with people of all ages (avoid grumpy people)
• Surround yourself with what and whom you love
• Stay connected with family and friends and be happy
• Stimulate your brain (learn new skills, art, languages, computer, gardening, take courses)
• Do crossword puzzles; play memory and card games
• Keep smiling and cheerful and laugh long and loud; tears can be relieving
• Be positive, feel good about yourself; avoid guilt trips and do not dwell on the past
• Avoid anger and conflict
• Be sensitive to others’ feelings
• Be generous, help, give (money, love, affection, advice, knowledge) and share what you know
• Correct your flaws; be accountable for what you say or do
• Exercise moderation in all lifestyle practices
• Appreciate life’s blessings and cherish good health

It is important to live your life without regrets and forget counting your passing years. Watching your life slipping restrains your personal growth and keeps you looking backward rather forward. Look ahead and plan ahead. Ninety-seven-year old Japanese, Shigeaki Hinohara, one of the longest living and serving physicians and educators, is still teaching, writing books, and lecturing. He recommends planning ahead. By the way, his “schedule book” is already full until 2014.

Go through your lifestyle behaviors and change what needs to be changed. At the age of renewal, your diet should be nutritious and balanced. Because your portions should be kept small and weight low, your food should be nutrient-dense, very rich in fresh, whole, and organic superfoods like vegetables (dark leafy greens, roots, cabbage family), fruits (mango, fig, orange, banana, apple, strawberry, goji, red grape, cranberry, kiwifruit, papaya, blueberry, cherry, raspberry, guava, blackberry, blackcurrant, date, pomegranate, prune), grains, and legumes. Spices like turmeric, cinnamon, cloves and cardamom detoxify the body and can delay the onset of Alzheimer’s. Eat fish (frequently), poultry, eggs, and low-fat yogurt for animal protein, but lower fatty dairy products and red and processed meats. Fat intake should consist of omega-3, 6 and 9 fatty acids from nuts, seeds, olives, avocadoes, and fish. According to Dr. Sarah M. Conklin of the University of Pittsburg, “The higher the intake of omega-3 the larger were the volumes of gray matter in areas of the brain associated with mood and regulation of emotion. Remember that reasonable portions maintain healthy weight, which can lead to healthy longevity.

Fatty foods, saturated fats and transfats (hydrogenated and overheated oils for frying) are harmful to your vascular system, heart, and brain. You have to take into account that smoking, alcohol, chemicals, processed foods, off-the-shelf bakery goods, and refined sugar and grains are enemies of your health.

Sufficient water intake improves blood flow, renal functions, and oxygenation process. Eight glasses (room temperature) of water are a good amount to take to replace daily loss, resulting from various organ functions and perspiration. Don’t wait to feel thirst; the sensation is considerably reduced with age. Hot temperatures and exercise require more fluid intake. Herbal teas (mint, chamomile, lemon grass) are healthy and replenishing.

Keep active by including regular moderate activities (walking, cycling, swimming, climbing the stairs, gardening). Take deep breaths to expand your lungs. Deep inhalations and exhalations renew oxygen and pump it to your heart, body, and brain and rid them of carbon dioxide.

Night sleep is important for cell regeneration and repair and to boost natural killer cells, immunity, and infection and cancer fighting mechanism. Healthy sleep increases the production of serotonin and endorphins, feel-good neurotransmitters. Restful sleep and short afternoon naps (no more than 30 minutes) improve health and mood. A Greek study showed that those who napped regularly decreased their risk of heart attacks.

Keep a clean living environment away from city and industrial smog. Surround yourself with house plants and trees to detoxify.

Interacting with people of all ages and staying connected with close and extended family and friends enhances mood, immunity, and overall health. Enjoying simple things brightens the outlook on life. Having a cup of tea with a friend or dinner with a family member lifts the spirit. Exchanging thoughts, ideas, news and knowledge with them improves memory and cognitive skills. Grandchildren keep you happy, young, and physically and mentally active. Join their activities and games to tease your brain. Surround yourself with your favorite people and objects, photographs, plants, and fragrant natural scents of essential oils and flowers. The latter two enhance the memory and cognitive performance.

Stimulate your brain! What does that means? It means “use it or lose.” Your brain is like any part of your body: The more you work it; the better it functions. The more your brain operates; the more your neurons (brain cells) connect. Through learning a new skill or language, your brain cells become inter-wired like the World Wide Web or telephone networks. According to a team of scientists at the University of California, Los Angeles, “Searching the web stimulated the centers in the brain that controlled decision making and complex reasoning.”

Canadian scientists found that people who are bilingual and daily use both languages can delay the onset of dementia by four years. This includes learning computer skills, gardening, carpentry, art, or pottery; solving crossword puzzles, riddles, mathematical equations; and playing memory, card, or other games. Studies found that nuns who played cards or solved puzzles maintained their cognitive skills well into their nineties.

According to Prophet Mohammad (peace be upon him), “Learning starts from the crib and extends to the grave.” Learning should never end and knowledge should never stop. The path of learning is the way to your renewal. Like a plant, everyday a new bud or leaf extends from the old plant.

Assume a positive attitude. Remove such words as “I can’t,” “I am tired,” and “I am old” from your vocabulary and replace them with “I can” and “I will”. Repeating positive or negative words can have psychosomatic effects on the brain (mood) and the body (pain) accordingly. Keep smiling. A smiling face and a happy demeanor send you messages of joy and good vibes to others and in turn makes the ambiance congenial. The Prophet says, “...Smiling to your brethren is a charitable act.”

A good laugh lifts your mood and boosts your immunity. Watch your favorite funny episodes and standup comedies more often. Listen to jokes and crack jokes once in a while. Don’t be afraid to let out a loud laugh. Every now and then, drop a few tears; they relieve pain, anxiety, or sorrow.

Avoid anger and conflict. They consume you; make those around you miserable; and sour the mood. Be sensitive to the feelings of others and attentive to them. Anger, conflict, and bluntness drive people away from you, even your loved one. Such attitudes make them apprehensive and uneasy in your presence, not knowing what to expect. God in His Holy Qur’an promises paradise for those who contain their anger (Chapter: 2; Verse: 134).

Be generous, help, and give whenever you can whether it is money, love, affection, a listening ear, advice, or knowledge. Don’t be selfish with advice and knowledge. It is gratifying to give and help others. Altruistic acts add to your wisdom and make you reflect on issues other than your own. This is what differentiates you from others and makes you nobler, wiser, and more trustworthy. If you are affluent, be charitable and fulfill others’ needs. Philanthropy and charity give a lot of satisfaction and happiness to the giver.

Don’t hold back on your emotions and love. If you love someone just say it with a word, an affectionate gesture, a tender look, a kiss, a touch, or a hug. Such spontaneous moves increase bonding between two people and make them happier and stronger emotionally and physically. Prophet Mohammed advised his apostles that when one feels affection for his brethren, he should express that affection.

Don’t be afraid to admit your mistakes and correct your flaws. It is important to hold oneself accountable for one’s deeds. It does not reduce your respectability. In fact, humility makes you nobler; adds to your wisdom; and makes you a better person to live with. Unless corrected in time, bad habits (lying, gossiping, bullying, cynicism, extravagance, selfishness, stinginess, obstinacy) become magnified as you grow.

Moderation is of the essence in all your lifestyles practices (eating habits, daily tasks, actions, exercise, and conduct). All actions should be done within a balance. Extremes and excesses can be harmful to physical, emotional, and mental health.

It is important to appreciate the blessing in your life. If something is taken away from you, rest assured you will be given a better substitute. Do not attempt changing what you cannot change. Cherish your health; your health is your wealth. Appreciation brings satisfaction; satisfaction brings happiness.

Remember, every day that passes by adds years to your age, which make you grow newer roots, buds, flowers, branches, and leaves of wisdom, knowledge, strength, sacrifice, devotion, sincerity, love, character, patience, and generosity. Older trees are stronger and more statuesque than younger ones. Don’t be afraid to reinvent yourself. Enjoy the “new you!” ( arabnews.com )

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Finding time to find the right partner

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Can sex keep you young?

Can sex keep you young?. It may sound too good to be true but the secret of prolonged youth is much simpler than strict dietary regimes and expensive cosmetics.

The most effective way to keep your looks, according to the latest comprehensive research, is to maintain an active love life.

Couples who make love three times a week look seven years more youthful than their less romantically inclined counterparts, says the study, which interviewed people aged between 18 and 102.

'Improving the quality of one's sex life can help a person to look between four and seven years younger,' says consultant neuropsychologist Dr David Weeks.

A good sex life leads to greater contentment, significant reductions in stress, better sleep and, in men, an increase in testosterone output.

Dr Weeks questioned more than 3,500 volunteers during a decade of research into the secrets of youthful appearance and behaviour.

He concluded that genetic factors were only 25 per cent responsible for youthful looks while behaviour was 75 per cent the cause. And one of the main behavioural factors was sex as part of a long-term relationship.

Casual encounters with many different partners did not have the same effect, it was found. 'The significance of the sex factor came as a surprise,' said Dr Weeks. 'As much as other physical activity, sex is an important part of life for the "super-young" from late adolescence or early adulthood throughout their entire lives.'

Dr Weeks, head of old age psychology at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital, says his theory is supported by the appearance of stars such as Goldie Hawn, 54, and Shakira Caine, 52, both of whom have enjoyed long-term and apparently fulfilling partnerships.

His study adds that sex releases 'feel-good' chemicals in the brain that can relieve headaches and even arthritis.

Regular lovemaking also boosts the body's natural defences against infection.

Dr Weeks, who has written a book Secrets of the Superyoung based on his research, said: 'Like a number of other stimulating sensations, sex releases a group of substances in the brain, among them the beta-endorphins, natural painkillers that can also alleviate anxiety.'

As well as sex, Dr Weeks and his team of researchers found that any form of regular exercise helped preserve youthful looks. ( dailymail.co.uk )

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Daytime Date Ideas

Daytime Date Ideas

Watch the Sun Rise

You’ve probably watched the sun set many, many times, but when was the last time the two of you caught the sunrise? Check the time online at SunriseSunset.com, grab a blanket and a thermos of hot cocoa, and enjoy the calmness of the morning hours together.

Street or County Fair

Whether it’s a pie bake-off on a farm or a falafel stand in the city, street and county fairs are great places to sample food and soak up the local flavor. During the holiday season, check out craft fairs too. You just might find some cool gifts.

Hiking

Even for couples living in a city, a wooded area or hiking trail is almost always within a 30-minute drive. Pack your hiking boots or a comfortable pair of sneakers, two large bottles of water and a small snack (unless you’ll be hiking all day, in which case, go all out with sandwiches). Find trails near you on Trails.com.

Bike Ride and Picnic

Bike to a scenic locale in your area – visit MapMyRide.com to find routes – and have a picnic at your destination. Spread a blanket on a flat spot, and dine on fresh fruit, chocolates, cheese slices, and other easy-to-carry-while-biking foods.

Ride in Style

Rent your dream car for the day from a service like Zipcar, which has rentals ranging from Mini Coopers to Mustang convertibles

Have a Spa Day

Book couples massages and other relaxing treatments at a local salon. Spend the day relaxing and getting pampered together.

DJ Lessons

This one’s a twofer: not only will you two learn how to spin on turntables and mix your own beats, you’ll be able to provide the entertainment at your next party.

White Water Rafting

Courses range in intensity from Class I (essentially smooth sailing with no experience required) to Class VI (picture The River Wild). Determine whether you want a leisurely drift or a white-knuckle thrill ride, then bon voyage.

Volunteer

Get your butts off the sofa and do some volunteer work together. It’s a great way to bond while doing something worthwhile. Carry that euphoric feel-good vibe home and get charitable between the sheets.

Rent a Boat

If you live near a marina, chances are you can rent a boat for a day and go for a sail. If you’re not the sailing type, go for a boat ride on a local waterway. Hint: pack a picnic! ( thenest.com )

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Pregnancy Myths -- Busted!

Pregnancy Myths -- Busted!. Do this. Don't do that. With all the pregnancy advice out there, it's hard to know what to believe -- or whom to believe. But remember, every pregnancy is different, so follow your doctor's orders above all else.

Myth 1: Eat Three Healthy Meals a Day

False! You should be eating six or seven small meals every two to three hours. "Eating frequently and from various food groups will keep your blood sugar in a constant range, which is healthy for you and your baby," says Stuart Fischbein, MD, coauthor of Fearless Pregnancy.

Myth 2: You Can Drink Alcohol

True! If you want to toast your sister at her wedding with a glass of bubbly, "go ahead," says Mary Jane Minkin, MD, a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Yale University School of Medicine and coauthor of A Woman's Guide to Sexual Health. "One glass of wine isn't going to hurt the baby," she says. But one glass here and there doesn't mean nine -- in fact, two or more alcoholic drinks daily can lead to fetal alcohol syndrome. So while it's best to cut out alcohol completely, Dr. Minkin says that an occasional small glass of wine with your pasta primavera is harmless.

Myth 3: Decaf Only

False! One small cup of coffee a day is perfectly fine. While a recent study at McGill University in Montreal did find that the caffeine in two to three cups of coffee a day increases the risk of miscarriage, it didn't consider how the coffee was brewed and the type of coffee used. Dr. Minkin points out that a French blend served black is much stronger than a weak cup of American coffee mixed with milk. It's another controversial subject for sure, but moderate caffeine intake isn't likely to harm you or your baby. The same goes for sodas with a caffeine jolt.

Myth 4: Cut out the Cheese

True! Well, you don't have to ban all cheeses. Some kinds, like cheddar and Swiss, are innocuous because they've been pasteurized. It's the soft, unpasteurized products like Brie, feta, and goat cheese that might carry food-borne illnesses. If you're lucky, the market you frequent will carry pasteurized versions -- just start looking at labels more often. And then you can still enjoy your crackers with cheese.

Myth 5: You're Eating for Two

False! Pregnancy isn't a time to pig out. You certainly have a bit more leeway when it comes to a second helping of supper, but on average, women need only about 300 extra calories a day.

Myth 6: Say So Long to Seafood

False! Chances are that if the reputable (and tasty) sushi bar you love so much hasn't made you sick pre-pregnancy, you're not at risk when with child. Yes, there's a greater risk of ingesting bad kinds of bacteria from raw foods (so you might feel more comfortable with a cooked-shrimp roll), but if you had spicy yellowfin tuna before realizing you were pregnant, no harm done. The dangerous mercury levels, you ask? Again, it's all about moderation. Enjoy tuna on rye once a week, not daily.

Myth 7: You'll Have to Suffer Through Sickness

False! Many OTC meds are safe during pregnancy, but somehow women believe they need to put up with migraines and be a slave to the runs. Not so. You should consult your ob-gyn before you take anything, but many experts give the following drugs the green light: Tylenol for headaches and fever; Tums or Mylanta for heartburn; Imodium for diarrhea; Robitussin for colds; and Sudafed or Benadryl for allergies. Many prescription drugs are also okay to continue with during pregnancy, but again, follow your doctor's orders.

Myth 8: They'll Know You're Not a Natural Blond!

False! Being pregnant doesn't have to compromise your appearance (at least not above the belly), but you do need to be smart. Dr. Fischbein says that while there's a theoretical risk associated with coloring your hair (chemicals being absorbed through the scalp), studies haven't shown anything conclusive. He recommends avoiding dye for at least the first trimester, when the baby's organs are forming.

Myth 9: Manicures Are Out

False! You don't need to forgo weekly manis just because you want to be a mommy. "You would need massive and long-term exposure to the products before there was a chance of problems," says Dr. Fischbein. You might get a little nauseous from the fumes with your newfound sensitivity to odors, but if that's the case, make your appointments for less crowded times of the day. (thenest.com )

READ MORE - Pregnancy Myths -- Busted!

In-Law Proof Your Home

In-Law Proof Your Home. Wait, is that the doorbell? It's time to hide the vices ( 71% of Nesties admit to doing it!) and steal these tips to make your abode more PG: parentally gratifying.

Whip out family photos

Replace those crazy Cancun pics of you doing apple-pie shots with family photos (son plus his beaming mom at the wedding is always a hit). Hint: Slide your family photo behind the crazy one in the frame. Should you get a surprise visit, you can quickly swap out the incriminating shot.

Bring out the blooms

Remember after your wedding, when you looked at each other and said, “What the hell are we going to do with all of these vases?” Pull them out and fill ’em with flowers.

Lower the bar

Your frat brothers might be totally impressed by your extensive, top-shelf bar, but if your in-laws see it, they’re going to spend the rest of the night researching Al-Anon groups on the Internet. Streamline your liquor selection and display just a few select bottles.

Hide the XXX stuff

Take a good look in your nightstand and goodie drawer and decide what you wouldn’t want them to see. Birth control pills, some lube, condoms and fun electronic devices scream, “Your child is having sex, dirty sex!” Stash it all in your sock drawer.

Stock the fridge

Parents always worry about whether their kid is eating right, so load your fridge with fresh fruit and veggies, and keep a variety of cookbooks in view...even if you’re really subsisting on Subway and cereal.

Show off the tchotchkes

When ol’ Betty and Bob come over, they’ll be looking around for the (tacky/cheap/inappropriate) gifts they bought you. So keep all the knickknacks you were given in a box under your bed and quickly display them right before your in-laws arrive. Once they leave, toss ‘em back in their hiding place. ( thenest.com )

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What are your friends for?

What are your friends for? -- There are friends that you have polite chats with, and there are your best friends. They're the people who root for you, no matter what. You tell them your deepest, darkest secrets, and instead of heading for the door, they stick around and your bond with them grows stronger.

A friend recently sent me news about some phenomenal successes he is enjoying in a new business venture. I responded enthusiastically about his amazing gifts. He e-mailed back: "You, my friend, are too much! But I must say, I love having my own cheering section!" I responded, without even thinking, "What are friends for?"

Precisely! Friendship is about being what a hero of mine described as "balcony people" instead of "basement people."

Basement people are those who live in our minds, telling us we will never amount to anything, that we are doomed to fail and that we are royal screwups.

Balcony people are those who are consistently cheering us on. "Go for it," they say to our attempts to find our voice, to live in ever widening circles, to dare, to create, to break through our lives' sound barriers.

Good friends cheer you on to "go for it" and stand by you when you're at your neediest.

While not all of us are made to be married or to live in an intentional formal community, be it a kibbutz, ashram, monastery, convent or commune, all of us are created to live in some form of friendship. Friendships are what help us be human.

Although my wife is indeed my soul friend, in this essay I am not using her as an example of friendship. The following thoughts are about something that is more universal than marriage -- having soul friends who are not one's partner or spouse.

My best friends and I get together regularly to share the deepest part of life, the part that is about Being as opposed to Doing. Sure, we speak about what we do in our jobs, our other relationships, our spiritual, sexual, athletic, medical, familial doings.

But the experiential, life-giving juice that feeds our soul and binds us together over the years and takes us to ever deeper dimensions is the conversation we have at the being level. That's the place where your soul stands naked before someone else and receives unconditional acceptance in return.

From time to time, we speak about what an exasperation-free oasis our friendship is. Both of us have had some important relationships that soured because someone got exasperated with us. Not that we didn't deserve it.

But there is something about my best friends, who just don't get exasperated with me, no matter how much I deserve it. As a result, I am not guarded with them, and when we fall back into old patterns of thinking, "If I tell him this, the friendship is over," that's where we have over the years taken the risk to tell it all. That's where the friendship is made even stronger.

My best friends are the people with whom I feel safe to talk about mad, sad and hurt feelings. Most other relationships stay at the feeling levels where everything is "fine," although we all know that's not true. But my best friends never shy away from those times when we feel the neediest -- when our feelings have been hurt, when we are so angry we could spit fire, when we are grieving and depressed, when we feel unacceptable. Over and over, those are the times that have made us feel more bonded.

The secret to all of this is that best friends are invested in being their true selves. Sure, they tolerate any posturing that comes from the false self. But the safety of the friendship is such that in their presence I can feel the superficiality of any of my ego-based claims or judgments. With that realization, I remember that I don't want to live on the surface of life, and then I simply move into the deeper waters where my true self waits to cool, refresh and renew.

For me, investing in time with my best friends is profoundly spiritual. Standing naked before another, knowing that acceptance will trump exasperation and working through tough feelings as well as surface living to move to the true self is the essence of life with God. We can't be fully alive without it. ( cnn.com )

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Sleep Apnea May Cause Nighttime Urination

Sleep Apnea May Cause Nighttime Urination. Many doctors unaware the sleep disorder boosts urine production, experts say

People who wake up during the night to urinate shouldn't automatically blame a urological problem. Sleep apnea, a breathing-related sleep disorder, could be the cause.

A new study suggests that nighttime urination, or nocturia, is comparable to loud snoring as a marker for obstructive sleep apnea, a disorder in which soft tissue in the throat blocks the flow of air into the lungs, disrupting sleep.

Previous studies established a link between nocturia and sleep apnea, a potentially serious condition that affects about 25 percent of U.S. men and 10 percent of U.S. women, the researchers said. But they believe this is among the first to show that screening for nocturia could help doctors identify patients with apnea.

The study also suggests that a common treatment for sleep apnea -- positive airway pressure (PAP) therapy -- can reduce symptoms of nocturia, thereby improving sleep and preventing debilitating falls among elderly people who get out of bed at night to use the bathroom.

PAP involves wearing a pressurized air mask while sleeping.

Typically, doctors screen for apnea by assessing patients' weight (the condition is associated with overweight/obesity) and asking if they snore heavily, notice breathing problems at night or feel tired during the day (because of interrupted sleep). But because many patients, especially those who sleep alone, are unaware that they snore, apnea often goes undiagnosed.

"When you ask people about symptoms like snoring and gasping, they tend to say, 'No, I don't have them'," said study author Edward Romero, research coordinator at the Sleep & Human Health Institute in Albuquerque, N.M. "But it's very easy for them to realize that they wake up at night to go to the bathroom."

One of Romero's co-authors, institute director Dr. Barry Krakow, said doctors and patients are quick to blame nocturia on diabetes, prostate enlargement and other medical conditions with which it is associated. "I see patients all the time who think they're waking up to urinate because they have prostate trouble or a small bladder," Krakow said. "About 80 percent of the time we discover that apnea is the cause of their problem."

Besides nocturia and snoring, symptoms of sleep apnea include daytime drowsiness, memory problems and depression. Untreated sleep apnea can lead to high blood pressure, blood clots and heart disease.

For the study, published online recently in Sleep and Breathing, the researchers reviewed data on 1,007 adults treated at two sleep clinics in New Mexico between 2005 and 2007. Of the participants, 797 were diagnosed with sleep apnea, 777 reported snoring and 839 reported nocturia. Neither snoring nor nocturia was proof of apnea, but the two symptoms were similar in their power to predict it: snoring was reported by 82.6 percent of apnea sufferers, and 84.8 percent of apnea sufferers reported nocturia.

The authors propose further research be conducted to confirm the effectiveness of nocturia as an apnea screening tool.

Mary Umlauf, a professor at the University of Alabama Capstone College of Nursing in Tuscaloosa and a noted nocturia researcher, said the study could play an important role in dispelling "old wives' tales" about nocturia.

"Many health-care providers and ordinary people think of nocturia as a urological or gynecological problem," she said. "They don't understand that sleep apnea can cause the body to produce too much urine at night.

"People who wake up to urinate shouldn't assume that it's my prostate, or 'I'm just old'," she said. (HealthDay News)

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When Biology Doesn't Explain Gay: One Woman's Perspective

When Biology Doesn't Explain Gay: One Woman's Perspective. Our Gay Wedding, My Straight Brain . I'm getting married in less than two weeks and can't think about much else.

Mostly I worry about:

A) fitting into my dress (cream-colored Indian cotton, tea-length skirt) and

B) how we're going to unload sixty Ikea champagne flutes after the wedding.

But I've also been thinking about my fiancee's brain. And my own.

ABCNEWS.com recently reported on a Swedish study indicating that the brains of gay people are more like the brains of straight people of the opposite sex than they are like straight members of the same sex. The study bolsters the conventional wisdom — popular among gays and straights alike — that homosexuality is not a choice but a physical condition.

In purely reductionist (and slightly facetious) terms, gay men have girl brains and gay women have boy brains.

No kidding. You've seen them, two women maybe, boy brains both, deeply in love. They dress like twins — identically cropped hair, polo shirts, khakis.

But what about when a straight woman's brain falls in love with a gay woman's brain? How to describe. Butch/Femme? That's very old school, almost vintage, which is why Margie and I secretly like the terms. I chose a retro theme for our wedding invites.

Margie and I will be wed in the garden behind our newly renovated (well, not quite, but more on that later) home in the Berkshire foothills in front of about 60 friends and family.

We found the little Massachusetts stone house two years ago. The stocky, tough-talking real estate agent from Boston couldn't believe her luck when she let us in. We walked across the orange shag carpet to the enormous picture windows looking out onto acres of garden, white birch and mountain laurel in a trance.

Our teenaged Bearded Collie grinned widely, lifted one leg and relieved himself against one of the wooden supports before anyone could do anything.

The rarely emotive Margie stood in front of the ski-lodge style fireplace and made an announcement. "I love it! We'll take it! I don't need to see upstairs!"

We did take it, but I still had my job in the city. It became our weekend DIY project. And my weekend escape from the chaos of a difficult work situation. And also escape from a level of commitment ambivalence that made my pulse race, feeding my impulsivity. In the country with Margie, there was no temptation.

I had affairs, though, with men. Eventually, I fled our home and, ironically, through an intense but short-lived relationship with a near-perfect guy, I realized the depth of my love for Margie.

He was attentive, adventurous, smart. I really liked him, but I couldn't love him, because I was already in love.

I'm so glad she wanted me back.

These days my mother and I are creating and revising the wedding menu by phone (she lives in South Carolina), and my dad (who lives in Cleveland) has come through with the cash for my favorite champagne and an extraordinarily difficult-to-book DJ.

Margie's 80-year-old mother, Juanita, is making the trip from the suburb of Shaker Heights, Ohio, to sew chair cushions and curtains in preparation for our overnight guests. Margie is her youngest child — her tomboyish baby. Juanita and Margie's older sister knew she was gay before Margie did.

An only child, I gave new meaning to the words eccentric and prissy. I hated wearing pants and didn't get my first pair of jeans until age 12. I cried until my mother sewed lace around the trim of my little white socks. Of all the things she worried about when it came to my future, gayness didn't make the list.

Today I work in New York, writing mostly about health and beauty. Manhattan nurtures my hypochondria, fat-phobia and free-floating angst like no city ever has.

Margie, my foil — an ectomorphic specimen of perfect physical health due to a lifelong preference for an athletic, Spartan lifestyle — is a carpenter and design snob who prefers breathing clean air. Though the odds are against us in this economy, we hope to maintain both residences.

As I type, my beloved — having just finished rebuilding the stone steps — is pouring the concrete for our custom kitchen counter tops. If it was up to me the kitchen would be 100 percent Ikea and completed last year.

But Margie is an artist. Prefab is to carpentry is what MadLibs is to writing; this is something I've had to learn.

She just phoned to ask my opinion (again) about the color she plans to mix in to the concrete. We're really down to the wire (11 days!) and it's hard to keep the tension out of my voice when I tell her not to worry, the dark stain will be fine. But I manage.

I speak softly and soothingly. When we hang up she sounds reassured.

In the early days of our relationship, we screamed at each other like siblings, but I've since learned better.

The way to handle Margie when things get tough is to pretend she is a guy and to "manage" her as such — just like the illustrated 1960s book called something like "Advice and Etiquette for Young Ladies" I once perused on the floor of my grandparent's library. The advice the editors gave was not just for dealing with boys, it was for dealing with boy brains. Who knew?

I've never had an MRI, but I'm pretty sure I have a straight girl brain (if there really is such thing).

What does that mean?

Is orientation a matter of biology for her and a matter of choice for me? I suspect that what we call "orientation" is not much more significant than any general preference. Like hair color, social class, weight or ethnicity. Sure initial drives play a role, but if we truly seek love, we may broaden our prospects if we put aside our preferences once in a while.

At any rate, I question the premise that falling in love is a matter of choice. Love chooses us, it seems.

Yet on the orientation continuum, is Margie "gayer" than I am? Not anymore. I am devoted to her, and in two weeks we will be married, and we (James, our Beardie, makes three) will be a gay little family. ( abcnews.go.com )

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