Why you’re still single — and how not to be - Tick. Tick. Tick. Hear that? It’s the sound of your biological romance clock counting down.
Trouble is, you’ve been so busy building your career, recovering from a divorce or reaching for the elusive brass ring, you can’t hear it. Suddenly, you’re in your late 30s or early 40s and find yourself alone — and worried you’ll stay that way.
Should you be concerned?
Divorced women are most likely to remarry by the age of 33, with remarriages dropping off after age 38, says StatsCan
If life was just about statistics, the answer is yes. Divorced women are most likely to remarry by the age of 33, with remarriages dropping off after age 38, says StatsCan. On average, second marriages also last 7.7 years.
But those are just numbers, says relationship guru, television star and author Dr. Phil McGraw. According to him, it’s not too late to find your match, if you’re willing to work at it. “To get the relationship you want, you have to be willing to take an honest, even brutal look at what’s going on and what’s going wrong,” he says in Love Smart (Simon and Schuster). “You have to be willing to change what you are doing.”
MAKE A LIST, CHECK IT TWICE
Start by getting to know yourself and deciding what you want from a relationship. Most older single women are that way, says Dr. Phil, because as funny, smart and gorgeous as you are, “you are not thinking right or playing the game well, otherwise you would have what you want. You will not succeed in the highly competitive dating game unless you are convinced that you are absolutely fabulous.”
How fabulous are you? If you don’t already know, there are a few steps to help you find out. Think about your rich personal history, and recall stories and anecdotes that you don’t mind sharing with others. Take an active role in social, work and family functions, so you’re engaged in the lives around you.
Step into your friends’ shoes. “What do they see when they look at you? Probably not the things that you complain about,” he says, “but all the things that keep them coming back for more of your company.”
Stop comparing yourself to other women, and admire yourself, instead. Once you know yourself well, work out what you want in a mate. Write an extensive list of must-have and would-like characteristics under the headings of personality, social skills, relationship style (how he relates to you), spiritual compatibility and physical characteristics. “I’m not saying that you are going to get all these things,” Dr. Phil says, “but let’s start out with a full plate.”
BUT ARE YOU DESPERATE?
“If you are freaking out because your biological clock is ticking and you must get a mate now, trust me, you aren’t much fun to date,” warns Dr. Phil.
“Men read desperation one way: You don’t have what you need, so you’re going to take it from me.” To alter that, “you need to change what you are saying to yourself.
“You need to relax, lighten up and realize that you don’t have to have an ongoing relationship in order to be OK.”
Circle all the statements you’ve said to yourself.
If you’ve checked two, you’re either desperate or fearful of being hurt. If most of your statements are in the first five, you’re afraid of being alone; if they’re in the second five, you fear being hurt. Either way, you’re undermining your own success.
LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!
“At this point, you’ve gotten in touch with your inner bride,” says Dr. Phil. “And you’ve got a clue about why you’re still single when friends around you are pairing up like animals on the Ark. So now it’s time to go shopping for Mr Right.”
Stepping In. “It sounds like a cliché, but your Mr. Right can’t fall in love with you if you’re sitting at home alone in your PJs and fuzzy slippers,” he says. Get out and have fun at what he calls “target-rich environments” like sports stores, music festivals, church, car shows, galleries, the park, your office, coffee shops or the gym.
Picking Your Co-pilots. Going out with a few girlfriends creates safety in numbers and a comfortable conversational environment, but having an entire posse will distract you and intimidate those who might want to meet you. Keep it to one or two companions.
Making Your Approach. “The toughest part of meeting someone is getting the conversation rolling,” he says. Think of five questions you can ask someone new, so they feel your interest: “What are you reading now? Where’s your favourite place to visit? If you could have anyone, dead or alive, at a party, who would you invite?” If you just talk about yourself, it’ll bore him and make you seem desperate. But you should know your “sound bite” — a positive statement about yourself that is less than 20 words. Talk about yourself 25 per cent of the time and listen 75 per cent.
Acting the Part. Your appearance, presence and what you say speak volumes about you. But if you can meet and hold someone’s gaze, according to a Dartmouth University study, the other person is much more likely to see you as attractive and likable.
BAG ’EM AND tag ’EM
Once you’ve met Mr. Right, says Dr. Phil, check your gut feelings to make sure he’s not just Mr. Right Now. “One of the worst things that you can do is pick some guy not because you’re attracted to him, but because you are repelled by your current life.” If there’s something wrong now, he adds, “it’s only going to get worse after you fill out the paperwork on this boy and get him home.”
Not that he has to be spot-on — 80 per cent perfect will do, as long as there’s room to grow the other 20 per cent. However, if the 20 per cent includes “deal-breakers,” says Dr. Phil, “hit the eject and parachute to safety.” Deal-breakers include someone who drinks too much, is abusive, has a bad temper, is jealous, dishonest, controlling, tells you he can’t live without you after two dates, doesn’t make eye contact, isn’t there for you in a time of crisis or says he’s “technically single.”
On the other hand, if the 20 per cent is just that he’s a bad dresser or wears socks in bed, let it go. Accept there will be things he doesn’t love about you either, and that you’ll both need to negotiate. “Your goal is to create a relationship that is good for both of you, where both of you feel safe, both of you feel your needs are being met and both of you feel that the things you’ve compromised on are worth it because of what you’ll get in return,” Dr. Phil says. ( Postmedia News )
Trouble is, you’ve been so busy building your career, recovering from a divorce or reaching for the elusive brass ring, you can’t hear it. Suddenly, you’re in your late 30s or early 40s and find yourself alone — and worried you’ll stay that way.
Should you be concerned?
Divorced women are most likely to remarry by the age of 33, with remarriages dropping off after age 38, says StatsCan
If life was just about statistics, the answer is yes. Divorced women are most likely to remarry by the age of 33, with remarriages dropping off after age 38, says StatsCan. On average, second marriages also last 7.7 years.
But those are just numbers, says relationship guru, television star and author Dr. Phil McGraw. According to him, it’s not too late to find your match, if you’re willing to work at it. “To get the relationship you want, you have to be willing to take an honest, even brutal look at what’s going on and what’s going wrong,” he says in Love Smart (Simon and Schuster). “You have to be willing to change what you are doing.”
MAKE A LIST, CHECK IT TWICE
Start by getting to know yourself and deciding what you want from a relationship. Most older single women are that way, says Dr. Phil, because as funny, smart and gorgeous as you are, “you are not thinking right or playing the game well, otherwise you would have what you want. You will not succeed in the highly competitive dating game unless you are convinced that you are absolutely fabulous.”
How fabulous are you? If you don’t already know, there are a few steps to help you find out. Think about your rich personal history, and recall stories and anecdotes that you don’t mind sharing with others. Take an active role in social, work and family functions, so you’re engaged in the lives around you.
Step into your friends’ shoes. “What do they see when they look at you? Probably not the things that you complain about,” he says, “but all the things that keep them coming back for more of your company.”
Stop comparing yourself to other women, and admire yourself, instead. Once you know yourself well, work out what you want in a mate. Write an extensive list of must-have and would-like characteristics under the headings of personality, social skills, relationship style (how he relates to you), spiritual compatibility and physical characteristics. “I’m not saying that you are going to get all these things,” Dr. Phil says, “but let’s start out with a full plate.”
BUT ARE YOU DESPERATE?
“If you are freaking out because your biological clock is ticking and you must get a mate now, trust me, you aren’t much fun to date,” warns Dr. Phil.
“Men read desperation one way: You don’t have what you need, so you’re going to take it from me.” To alter that, “you need to change what you are saying to yourself.
“You need to relax, lighten up and realize that you don’t have to have an ongoing relationship in order to be OK.”
Circle all the statements you’ve said to yourself.
- I must get married by 35 or I’ll die alone.
- Everyone else is in a meaningful relationship but me.
- No one asks me out for a second date, so there’s something wrong with me.
- If he loves me, I must be OK.
- I don’t stand up for myself because I fear losing the relationship.
- I don’t live in the moment because I worry the relationship has no future.
- I’ve never been successful in love, so I don’t believe it will happen.
- I know he’ll leave me eventually, so I’ll leave first.
- I test his love by pushing him away.
- Relationships are too stressful.
If you’ve checked two, you’re either desperate or fearful of being hurt. If most of your statements are in the first five, you’re afraid of being alone; if they’re in the second five, you fear being hurt. Either way, you’re undermining your own success.
LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!
“At this point, you’ve gotten in touch with your inner bride,” says Dr. Phil. “And you’ve got a clue about why you’re still single when friends around you are pairing up like animals on the Ark. So now it’s time to go shopping for Mr Right.”
Stepping In. “It sounds like a cliché, but your Mr. Right can’t fall in love with you if you’re sitting at home alone in your PJs and fuzzy slippers,” he says. Get out and have fun at what he calls “target-rich environments” like sports stores, music festivals, church, car shows, galleries, the park, your office, coffee shops or the gym.
Picking Your Co-pilots. Going out with a few girlfriends creates safety in numbers and a comfortable conversational environment, but having an entire posse will distract you and intimidate those who might want to meet you. Keep it to one or two companions.
Making Your Approach. “The toughest part of meeting someone is getting the conversation rolling,” he says. Think of five questions you can ask someone new, so they feel your interest: “What are you reading now? Where’s your favourite place to visit? If you could have anyone, dead or alive, at a party, who would you invite?” If you just talk about yourself, it’ll bore him and make you seem desperate. But you should know your “sound bite” — a positive statement about yourself that is less than 20 words. Talk about yourself 25 per cent of the time and listen 75 per cent.
Acting the Part. Your appearance, presence and what you say speak volumes about you. But if you can meet and hold someone’s gaze, according to a Dartmouth University study, the other person is much more likely to see you as attractive and likable.
BAG ’EM AND tag ’EM
Once you’ve met Mr. Right, says Dr. Phil, check your gut feelings to make sure he’s not just Mr. Right Now. “One of the worst things that you can do is pick some guy not because you’re attracted to him, but because you are repelled by your current life.” If there’s something wrong now, he adds, “it’s only going to get worse after you fill out the paperwork on this boy and get him home.”
Not that he has to be spot-on — 80 per cent perfect will do, as long as there’s room to grow the other 20 per cent. However, if the 20 per cent includes “deal-breakers,” says Dr. Phil, “hit the eject and parachute to safety.” Deal-breakers include someone who drinks too much, is abusive, has a bad temper, is jealous, dishonest, controlling, tells you he can’t live without you after two dates, doesn’t make eye contact, isn’t there for you in a time of crisis or says he’s “technically single.”
On the other hand, if the 20 per cent is just that he’s a bad dresser or wears socks in bed, let it go. Accept there will be things he doesn’t love about you either, and that you’ll both need to negotiate. “Your goal is to create a relationship that is good for both of you, where both of you feel safe, both of you feel your needs are being met and both of you feel that the things you’ve compromised on are worth it because of what you’ll get in return,” Dr. Phil says. ( Postmedia News )
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